Head Above Water

You conjour up a word that i cannot 

Bring my lips to utter

Or force a pen to write.

When it appears on the screens

It makes me want to scream

But not a silent one this time round.
I am not angry with you anymore

Because frankly you are a fool

Who can no longer manipulate my mind

Into thinking this is something i deserve. 
When that day arrives,

Yes, I do cry because that is

My god damn right 

Because of what you destroyed.

But this year is further

And you are less worthy
You deserve nothing,

Least of all from me. 

Trepidation

Division begins when you separate the us and them

when you define them as other

which is another way of saying that they don’t belong

in this place

because they do not adhere to our way of life

because they are not the colour of our skin

or their god is not the one we mean

or because they are not simply you or me,

that is how division begins,

but that is not how we should be.

 

 

Consent

No was meant to be a straightforward word,

a comprehensive declaration

to defy a suggestion that

was gripped between your hands

and forced between my legs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Girls wear Pink

 

 

Every day is a new day

but the new day is smothered by old thoughts.

A kind of trap, a mind game.

I don’t need to feel like I am looking at a monster

every time I clap eyes on myself in the mirror.

Clap Clap Clap

The clapping of my thighs as I walk

into a society that claims it is free.

I am a storm in summer that nobody needs.

 

Every time I browse I get a little obsessed

scrolling, scrolling

Just cut the crap, literally, CUT IT OUT

cut the skin off that weighs me down,

 

LET ME BE ME!

Then switch off because you do not need to see

my body

especially my body,

those curves that stop me from fitting in

or those breasts that put me out ,

those TV ads that tell me I need to do better

be better,

don’t be.

 

 

imperfection after imperfection.

anger after anger.

lie after lie.

They tell you to be yourself, but “not too much”.

There’s a limit. Always a limit.

 

 

 

 

Irony Is How I Survive

Sometimes,

unexpectedly

You just appear,

as Pain in my chest and

a Shadow of fear.

 

To get you out of my head

I have to sing a song,

some la la la’s

but they remind me

of how you came

along.

 

Maybe I should sing louder

maybe i SHOULD have done…

eh, then again

you still would have won.

 

 

Hard Core Therapy

that’s what you did to me

Yet i prefer drunken serenity,

 

Ironic, really.

Ethanol

They said I had one

too many

when I was downing them

like water,

but too many is never enough,

The world spins faster

and life feels better

when you lie down and stare at the stars.

 

They said I had

gone too far

when  my eyes

closed

in the middle of the road.

but I was too happy

to care.

 

 

 

A Note of Appreciation

I may not have been the best kid in the class

and maybe

that was down to a little mental instability

but i left my school knowing who I was and

who I wanted to be.

 

I knew what I was not, where I could go

what I could do,

what I can still do because they

taught me to soar past the limits

and become something of myself.

 

They helped me create the paths

to my future,

maybe I could not pick the people

that opened the doors of these new

opportunities and maybe I was not

as prepared as i could be.

 

But their voices still echo in my head

-perhaps because I’m a little crazed

or perhaps it’s because they gave

me something i can never return.

I cannot give them back the hours

they spent dealing with the rivers I created,

or even those oceans. I cannot give them back

the times they would try to coax me out of my shell,

‘Have a Voice’ ‘Have a Voice’

YOU

gave me my voice. I learnt what

was right and what was wrong.

It was right to tell them what was wrong 

when I couldn’t give up those blood stained tissues

in my pocket. That it was wrong to think

I was alright when I stood hiding in the corridor.

 

I was scared of  myself and what I would not become ,

that I would Run and Run and not stop Running.

Because running does not stop your problems.

they will follow you,

just like I followed you

looking for a way to make my existence meaningful.

I have found it.

I have found me

(nearly) and I am doing as you do,

Helping those that were like Me

So I can become teachers like you.

 

 

The Lone Wolf

You keep me on the leash so I will not go wild

and you draw me in when freedom calls.

but birds will fly.

I am not a fixed object, I am a wanderer

so I can keep my heart beating and beating

and NOT stopping.

My heart stops with you.

You surround me like a pack of wolves and

I must play dead to ensure I stay alive.

Eaten alive is what you seem to do

the skins is breaking
I am breaking

Shattering like a glass

when you keep on screaming.

 

 

From afar we are at peace

but you bite as soon as I reach out my hand.

Stop being the wolves,

Stop hunting me down 

we are the same pack

the same team,

yet you treat me as your enemy.

 

 

A Conscientious Cycle

They come at night

these thoughts in my head,

A washing machine

on a cycle that never ends.

You should never mix colours

with black and whites.

 

It attacks in the dark

Creeping under the covers

But I can feel the breeze,

I know you are coming.

If I Shake enough

They won’t reach me

I must filter out my troubles

Shake away the dirt.

 

Sleep, you must sleep

it is past two in the morning,

Sleep.